Flipping the Father’s Day Script
Father’s Day is upon us and while I’ve long had a distaste for these “Hallmark holidays” that seem concocted largely to get people to spend more money on junk, more recently I’ve come to gain a greater appreciation for their meaning and value.
Partly that is due to a growing fondness for any and all holidays - as far as I’m concerned the more reasons we can come up with to celebrate the better, even if it doesn’t include a day off of work. Particularly in these times of disconnection and distrust, holidays can serve as important reminders of the things we share and occasions to find inspiration, catharsis, and community.
But I’ve also found greater meaning in holiday like Father’s Day in large part because I have found more meaningful ways to mark them myself (hat tip to my partner, who is a master at imbuing things with meaning and has inspired me to give and find more meaning in holidays*). All holidays are in fact, “concocted,” so how much meaning they provide you is directly related to how much meaning you put into them.
Adding more meaning to your Father’s Day doesn’t have to be complicated or difficult though. In fact, I’ve found that simple things tend to be more meaningful and shifting the way you do things just a little bit can make a big difference.
Cards are a great place to start. They’re pretty standard for many people on most holidays and celebrations but to add more meaning to them you can make them yourself rather than buy them from the store. Many people have their kids do this because it’s pretty easy for kids to do and for adults to admire.
But I’ve found that when adults make cards for each other it tends to be just as meaningful. It’s often a bit more of a challenge for most of us adults to get as open and vulnerable, or as creative, as kids but when we can get there - or at least earnestly try to - it can be just as meaningful as scribbles from a child. A simple card that has some thought and meaning put into it goes a very long way to making someone feel appreciated and loved.
But I’m not suggesting you tell your family in your most stern dad-voice that you expect handcrafted, heartfelt, creative cards from them this Father’s Day. This Father’s Day, I’m also going to flip the script and give homemade cards to my kids and my partner that tell them how much I appreciate how they’ve made me a better dad.
The idea came to me just a few hours ago, as I was thinking about what to write in this newsletter (I had to write something for this momentous day!). I was thinking about how it would be nice on this day for dads to not only be and feel celebrated for all the hard work they do and the important impact they have but also for them to reflect on and appreciate everything good that being a dad has brought them.
Then I remembered a Russian tradition for celebrating a child’s birthday in which you not only give the child gifts but to also give flowers to the child’s mother - showing appreciation for everything she contributed and endured to bring that child into the world. Some people and cultures also tend to celebrate birthdays by having the birthday person (birthdayee?) sponsor a celebration rather than receiving gifts. In either case you're not just celebrating one person - or maybe more accurately your celebrating who this one person is as a result of those closest to them.
Though those traditions may seem a bit alien in our self-obsessed culture, it makes sense for the person being celebrated to share their own appreciation for others as well. It deflects some of the ego-inflation that might come with unabated attention - sort of akin to giving a speech thanking everyone else who made it possible when being honored with an award or special recognition.
Gratitude is a more consistent and reliable way of boosting happiness and satisfaction than receiving gifts or accolades. Think about what it feels like to give someone a perfect gift or fully heartfelt appreciation vs. receiving either yourself. Plus, gratitude is something I know we all want our children to feel and express, and the best way to inspire that in them is to model it ourselves.
Marking Father’s Day by giving your family members simple cards expressing your appreciation for them and how they make you a better father can be a great way to encourage all of that.
Whatever ways you choose to celebrate Father’s Day are bound to deepen your relationship with the idea of being a dad, as well as your relationships with your kids, your partner, your lineage. If you or your family has ways of celebrating Father's Day that bring special meaning or connection to the day, let us know! We'll keep it anonymous but aim to share practices and ideas from across the dad universe that might inspire others.
I wish you a Father’s Day filled with love, appreciation, joy, and fun.
*And to tie that back to fatherhood much of the credit for her talent at finding and imparting meaning is due to her father, who was persistently searching for the deeper meaning in all things and encouraging all of those around him to do the same. Not to take any credit away from her, just to add another layer of depth and meaning that also highlights an example of the important impact fathers can have on their kids.
