Flying Solo
I’m on my own with the kids this week while my partner is on a trip with her mom but don’t panic - my kids are safe and eating a varied diet beyond pancakes and delivery pizza and my sanity is well intact. In fact, everybody’s thriving and I’d say in many ways things are going a whole lot smoother! Bathtime is going off without a hitch, everyone is getting to bed a bit earlier, and even the morning rush out of the house to school is less stressful.
Recently, a few other dads in our groups have reported a similar phenomenon of parenting being easier when their partner is out of town. From what I’ve heard and experienced it seems like two things are going on:
Parenting on your own can actually be liberating. At least when it’s for a contained (usually short) period, it can be much simpler to not have anyone else you need to consult, compromise, or coordinate with on every decision related to childcare. You call the shots and there’s little confusion about who’s in charge or what to do. You may even get to try some new ways of doing things that work better or at least give you some insight.
The stakes are raised. When it’s all on you you’re sort of forced to step up and really focus on the tasks at hand. High consequence environments are a well-known trigger for inducing flow states, in which you are operating at your highest level of performance and consciousness, and what’s higher stakes than having to keep one or more little humans alive by yourself for a few days!
This phenomenon isn’t unique to dads. I’ve heard moms (including my own partner) report much the same when dad is out of town.
But it can be particularly important for dads, as even the most engaged of us often defer to mom on many decisions related to child care. Being fully in charge when it comes to the kids is one of the best ways to learn about yourself as a parent, get in tune with your instincts, and hone your own skills.
Now, it’s important to say that it isn’t always or necessarily the case that being on your own will be easier. Results may vary and sometimes it’s much harder. Even if you’re solo parenting and everything is groovy there are bound to be some more challenging moments.
And as any single parent could tell you (or mildly aware human could deduce), raising kids by yourself over the long term typically is exponentially more difficult and exhausting than having a partner to back you up. So the next time you see your partner (really, the very next time after you read this!) give them some gratitude for their support - it never fails to brighten someone’s day.
But if you are a dad who sees a time on the horizon in which you’ll be solo parenting for a bit, fear not. Many dads have done so before you and if you lean into your instincts you’ll do fine and likely grow a lot as a father. You may even find that you enjoy the change of pace (keyword: may!).
You’ll give yourself a better chance of enjoying it if you prepare well though - clear your work schedule (to the best of your ability); plan some meals and activities ahead; and work with your partner to ensure a smooth transition on their departure.
If you are a dad who has experienced some relief and ease from managing your kid(s) on your own, there’s no need to feel guilty. Many dads have reported the same, and moms have too! Don’t get carried away thinking you’ve cracked the parenting thing by yourself though. Childrearing is but one piece of the fatherhood puzzle and your kids will have plenty of new challenges for you ahead.
If you’ve experienced the opposite and things are more difficult when your partner is not around, don’t worry, you’re not alone either and it doesn’t mean you are an insufficient parent. Everyone’s situation is different and all of us and our kids have different needs, and even if things work well one time they might not the next.
Taking a moment to reflect on a more difficult time can help you determine what it was that made things more challenging while on your own and help you prepare better for the next time. Was your attention too divided between work and home life to manage it all? Was your child going through a rough developmental patch? Was the transition of mom’s departure too disruptive and difficult for them to recover from? Whatever it was, it surely wasn’t because you are not enough for them, and there are ways to work around them once you’ve identified them.
And if you are a dad who hasn’t experienced solo parenting yet, consider finding a time when you can make that happen. It’s one of the most empowering experiences for a dad and will almost certainly strengthen your connection with your kids (not to mention give your partner a well-earned break!). You can even start small by taking over for just a day and building up to an extended time with your partner out of town.
Then when you want some other guys to help prepare for or debrief that experience, come find us in one of our events or groups!
