A Summer of No Regrets

The week after Labor Day always signals the end of summer, a return to school and work, and appranently for many, the onset of some level of disappointment and regret. But while summer’s end is inevitable, it doesn’t have to come as a downer and the same is true of being a parent.

This all hit me as I was dropping my kids off at their first day of school this week and greeting other parents for the first time in months by asking a genuine "how was your summer?" I almost invariably got some version of "good…but it just went by too quickly," often accompanied by that slight head tilt and half smile that conveys some kind of mutually understood feeling of sadness or regret that I just don’t want to talk about.

I was a bit taken aback, because my response in turn was always some version of "we had a terrific summer!" and I didn't at all feel that it went by too quickly. I loved our summer time and at the same time felt complete with it and fully ready to move on to the next season: a busy fall with solid routines organized around school and work.

I couldn't shake this contrast, mostly because I couldn't believe that my family's summer was actually so much more terrific than most people's.

Everyone in my family definitely had more good times than hard times this summer, with plenty of noteworthy highs. Our kids went to fun summer camps that expanded their worlds and capabilities; I had a stellar week of training in the Rocky Mountains; we had two awesome family vacations filled with meaningful connection and fun.

But we also had plenty of disappointments - a cancelled camping overnight, some rough transitions into different routines, one of those vacations being cut short because of illness and the other because of a hurricane! I'd wager some of those hard times could have felt just as rough as any those other parents had over the summer.

So why did I feel fulfilled and complete with the summer when so many others seemed to feel like the time flew by and they didn’t want to let it go?

I can't say why others felt or responded the way they did but I credit my feelings of contentment to being super intentional about how we were spending our time this summer, which meant we were doing the things we wanted to do and were more able to be present for it.

I made a conscious choice to pause Fatherhood Circle activities so that I could focus on finishing a guide certification program and recommit to supporting parents with greater attention and purpose in the fall (more on that below). We were deliberate about the activities we scheduled, the pace they set, and how everyone in the family might respond, as well as mindful of when those plans weren’t working out.

We didn't have a lot of aimless time and when we did, we could elish it, feeling satisfied with what we'd already done and looking forward to what was coming. Similarly, when something didn't work out as well as we'd hoped we didn't wallow in disappointment or try to blame someone or something else because we were doing what we'd chosen and could anticipate more good stuff ahead.

Nothing we did was particularly impressive or amazing - our kids camps were local and our vacations were road trips to stay with friends and family - and some things did go awry but being so intentional with our time set a foundation for a positive mindset that led us to feeling like we did what we could to get everything possible out of our summer by the end of it.

And when it comes to being a dad, I expect all of us want something like that feeling at the end of it.

The feeling that we did our best, enjoyed it as much as possible, and gave our kids everything that we had to offer.

I also chatted with parents of older kids who had recently gone, or were soon to go, off to college. Their sadness about how the time with their kids flew by and leaving it behind constitute neither bad nor undesireable feelings but it’s not inevitable that they become the primary emotions around moving on to new stages.

There are no guarantees in life, including (and possibly most of all) that we will get to do fatherhood the way we want. Most of that is out of our control but what we can do is be intentional about how we approach fatherhood and spend our time as dads so that we don’t have regrets about what we could or should have done more or differently.

And while that intentionallity generally requires some level of priviledge and extra time many parents are hard pressed for, it doesn’t require much if you’re doing it well.

That's why The Fatherhood Circle exists. To provide the support structure and create the time and space for dads to be able to cultivate intention and purpose in their roles as fathers; so that they can figure out what being a good dad means in their families and how to live into that.

So this fall we're coming back reinvigorated, with some new groups starting towards the end of the month and a few in-person workshops in which we'll explore more deeply specific tools and practices that help us be at our best where it matters most.

I hope you'll join us, and if you have thoughts about anything you'd like to see from us, please let us know!