Avoiding Accommodation Parenting Traps
With the winter holidays firmly behind us I hope you’re settling back into comfortable rhythms and routines for family, work, and life.
Before we’re too removed from all the joy, chaos, and stress those holidays often bring though, it’s worth taking a moment to reflect on how you felt about how you showed up as a parent during that time so you can learn from it and get more out of the celebrations next year.
One challenge I’ve heard a lot of dads in our groups express with such times is a tendency to lose ourselves in the presence of others - particularly with our own parents or families of origin - and parent our kids differently than we do at home. Usually we do this out of a desire to accommodate the needs of other adults or show them that you’ve got things “under control” and have “good kids” but usually that’s counterproductive.
Maybe you tried to abruptly shut down a tantrum when we at home you would have approached it with more patience and empathy; or attempted forcing a squirmy kid to sit still through a long dinner when you’d normally just let them bounce around while eating; or just became more impatient and demanding about your child precisely following your instructions.
I’ve heard (and experienced) variations of each of these. What they share is demanding that a kid act a certain way that we know from evidence and experience is really beyond their understanding and capability in an attempt to meet someone else’s expectations of how children should behave.
Family gatherings are a common time for this phenomena to show up because most of us naturally want to impress our parents and family. We probably spent many years seeking their validation and with something as significant as parenting we surely want to show that we are doing as good of a job, or better, than they did with us.
But this can also show up when we’re parenting in front of pretty much anybody, especially someone we feel a need to impress - bosses or colleagues we need to look professional in front of; friends without kids who may not understand child behavior; other parents who appear to have their shit more together than us.
As social creatures we humans crave connection, and many of us seek that by attempting to meet the expectations of others.
The thing is, doing that by changing how you parent usually doesn’t work.
Most of the time, it’s pretty obvious when someone frantically shifts their approach to something so it’s more likely you’ll just convey to observers that in fact, you don’t have anything under control. And your kids will almost certainly notice that you are being inconsistent and inauthentic, so it’s unlikely to put a stop to whatever behavior you are trying to squelch. 0 for 2.
What actually demonstrates that you know what you’re doing and have control of the situation - to outside observers or your kids - is staying firmly rooted in parenting in ways that are authentic and effective. This also happens to be what works.
Doing that is hard though. It likely takes a good bit of experimenting to figure out what that looks like for you, and since it won’t look exactly like anyone else’s way of doing things, it’s likely to create discomfort.
You will likely feel discomfort and so will others around you because your parenting style will be different than either of you expect. It will also be uncomfortable because you have to sit in the discomfort the child is expressing to get through it with them.
You and other adults can handle that discomfort but a young child without fully developed executive functioning cannot. That’s exactly what the tantrums or squirming or not listening are trying to convey - I’m uncomfortable and need help.
A tantrum tells us the kid is simply overwhelmed with the situation, squirming often means they don’t have a strong enough core to sit for a long time, not listening typically conveys that we’re not communicating effectively.
Or at least, the adults should be able to handle discomfort. But we’re empathetic creatures and don’t like to see kids in discomfort - or other people uncomfortable with a kid’s discomfort.
And we don’t get a whole lot of training or support in developing those capacities but they are essential for managing the unpredictability and high stakes of parenting.
So that’s what we’re doing at The Fatherhood Circle. Providing the knowledge, tools, and communal experience that enables dads to manage their own discomfort so that they can find an authentic way of parenting for them and stay strongly rooted in it.
Gathering with those we love to bring more light into the darkest time of the year is obviously a great thing that adds more meaning and love into our lives. Expanding the loving networks we parent in and share our kids with is central to The Fatherhood Circle; but given the disruptions long distance travel and extended celebrations represent from how and with whom we normally do things in our own nuclear families, it all can also create a whole lot of stress that can lead us to forget what we know and just reach for something to quell the discomfort we and others might feel.
If you found yourself this holiday season doing something differently in your parenting to appease or impress others, give yourself a break. It’s hard enough to keep your shit together and calmly approach a screaming toddler with empathy and kindness in the best circumstances and the added pressure of holiday changes and challenges, not to mention the expectations of other people you share mutual love and respect with, can make it herculean.
Know that you’re in good company when it comes to falling short in this way, but also know that you’re in good company when it comes to striving to do better. Know that you have the capacity for staying rooted in your approach and a community of good dudes supporting you in it. Next time, you might feel more confident in your approach and more able to sit with whatever discomfort arises around others.
Demonstrating your comfort with discomfort is what will actually show them you do have this parenting thing under control.
